HydrocephaWhata?

Before Parker was diagnosed with Hydrocephalus my husband and I had several conversations on how one actually says Hy-dro-ceph-a-lus. It ranged from Hydrosyphyllis, not to be related to the STD (courtesy Casey) and Hydracephallitis; fancy up the name is all (courtesy me). Don't worry, we have since figured it out. Parker no longer has to be embarrassed by his parents' inability to pronounce his condition! We actually have a pronunciation conversation on film. Good times.

When we were at the ER the nurse actually let us accompany Parker to the MRI. I am not a radiologist by any means, but I am not a complete idiot. I saw the scan pop up and I saw a lot of white on his little brain. I mean, A LOT of white. His ventricles were enlarged to the point where they took up the entire scan. It was terrifying. I remember seeing black marks when it was blood and now white...hmm...different, but definitely not good...def, def not good.

We got back to the room and I told Casey, "Parker has Hydrocephalus." He looked at me like I was slipped something from one of the nurses (at this point that is exactly what I wished for). Then with my bionic hearing I heard one of the nurses ask the on-call if they should just take blood or put in a line. The on-call told the nurse to put in a line because he had Hydrocephalus. I immediately started crying. The doctor came in and was shocked to see that I already knew...well...bionic hearing. When a doctor tells you they are sorry, it's not good. I handed Parker over to Casey, went to the bathroom and threw up.

Parker was admitted that evening around 11PM and we accompanied him to his room in the PICU. As luck would have it we actually were greeted by "Doogie Howser". Doogie treated Parker in the NICU. As crazy as this was, it was reassuring to see him, if only for a brief shift. I just wish I knew his real name... Doogie is an extremely talented and seemingly young doctor. The Pruis family are huge fans of Doogie! Anyone he treats is a lucky patient.

The Neurosurgeon explained that we needed to keep Parker awake throughout the night (scary) and he was scheduled for surgery first thing in the morning. My child is over 16 pounds and they would not let him eat past 10PM. His surgery was scheduled for 9AM and they did not even come and get him until after 10:30AM. I think the most traumatic event for Parker was the fact that he could not eat for over 12 hours. I did the best I could trying to soothe a starving infant. Take my anxiety and multiply it times 1000.

The night before his surgery I slept for a total of 45 minutes. The crazy thing is that I was not even tired, not one bit. I was literally sick to my stomach. Looking at that baby boy lying in the big crib I remember wanting to die. There were times that I would all of the sudden start sobbing and could not catch my breath. I would have given anything to trade places with him. The feeling of helplessness and complete loss of control over your child's health is heart wrenching. Knowing that in just a couple short hours my son would have brain surgery. BRAIN SURGERY at 3 months old. I am ashamed to admit I questioned my faith and questioned God's motives for having this happen to such an innocent child. I was angry. No, I was hella angry!

At 5AM the Neurosurgeon Team came in. To be honest it was nothing short of Grey's Anatomy. I just wish Patrick Dempsey was there...would have softened the blow a little I think. They were like an army of surgeons creeping in the dark. Like literally creeping in the dark! There were so many of them in our tiny PICU room. They initialed Parker's head and I knew it was happening. Apparently they initial the part of the body they are operating on so no mistakes are made.

That's comforting. Let me remind you, it's his brain...! Here, I'll just draw a picture on the side of his head just to be sure you don't make any mistakes at all. A big, "INSERT SHUNT HERE" might have helped me feel a little better. Oye...We are still working on getting those marks off his head by the way. When they make their mark, they make their mark!

Our parents were with us when they took Parker away for surgery. I knew Parker was special, but to get all of our divorced grandparents in one room was nothing short of a miracle. They were are there for him and I hope someday he knows how special that is.

I was the one to put him on the bed to be transported to the operating room. Just when I thought handing him over to the NICU Transport Team was the hardest thing I'd ever do...I could not have been more wrong. I can still remember that moment as if I'm really there. I put him on that bed and he instantly stopped crying as if he knew everything was going to be better. He made a pouty face once he saw me tear up and I put on that brave mommy face for him one last time before they took him out. My husband held his hand until he couldn't go with him any further. I am so thankful for my husband's courage and strength at the moments when I need him to show it most. I literally had nothing left.

It was at that moment that no matter what reassurances were given to me, I knew he may come out a different person or I may never hold my precious son ever again.