Isn't 1 ENOUGH?!?

This is quite strange. I started this blog post about a week before Parker had his seizure episode. I was juuuust about ready to post it, then that happened, which is obviously way better material. ;-)

Anyway, this is something we get asked a lot. In fact, I think many doctors are shocked that we even went for round 2, but we did.

We are in Parker's Neurosurgeon's office a couple weeks ago. "This is...your baby?"

"No we found her on the way in. We decided to just bring her to this appointment because it's fun to bring infants to Neurosurgeon's offices." EYE ROLL Not to mention she looks JUST like her brother. For the love of God.

 He says, "And she is...okay"?

I say, "Ugh yes. she is okay..or maybe not because she appears to really be enjoying herself here."

So that being said....how do you know? HOW DO YOU KNOW? That is the question Casey and I had been asking ourselves for well over a year. The subject...try for another baby. When you have a child with special needs how do you know if it's okay to have another one? Is it risky? Hell yes it's risky. We would be playing Russian Roulette big time.

When we had Parker so many things went wrong during delivery. After some time we needed closure and the doctor who delivered Parker was all sorts of incapable of doing that. When Parker was about 1 1/2 years old a specialist at the university hospital reviewed our delivery file and took on our case to discuss what happened. Was it my fault? For so many months I took direct responsibility for what happened to Parker. I made the decision to have an induction. I didn't speak up to the doctor when I knew something was wrong in delivery. I was so naive it was ridiculous. If I could go back in time and slap myself silly I so would. As a mother I will forever carry the guilt of his condition no matter what anyone says.

At the end of the day, the doctor did say that she would have approached the delivery differently after some things went wrong. Ultimately, I had contracted an infection in my uterus and they believed that Parker got a fever and brain bleed from the infection. It's so hard to know and really we were hoping for some reassurance that we would someday have the opportunity to have another baby. There are some things no one will ever know and how Parker got a Grade IV brain bleed as a full term and seemingly healthy baby is unfortunately one of them. They did say that there was a 1 in 10,000 chance that something like this would happen again. It seems like a lot, but if you've walked a mile in my shoes it didn't quite feel like enough. I wanted like 1 in 1,000,000.

So we put having a baby on the back burner. The idea terrified both of us. What if we had another baby and the same thing happened? What if my uterus just hates babies and I get another infection? The "what if" scenarios are endless. It takes us back to the question, "how do you know"?

Parker does not communicate. It isn't like we could have this conversation with our 3 year old.

"Parker, are you ready to be a big brother"?

He'd reply, "OH YES Mom! That's all I've ever wanted!"

Yeah right...

Having another baby in our situation almost felt a little selfish as well. Were we just hoping for the experience everyone else seems to have? I mean, I'm not going to lie. I felt cheated. I did every single thing right when I was pregnant. I didn't even eat lunch meat for crying out loud. Delivering Parker and the aftermath was one of the worst experiences of my life. Just because I wanted what other people had didn't seem like enough of a reason to have a baby and we know better than anyone else that having a healthy baby is not a guarantee. There are zero guarantees.

Fast forward a year...we brought it up again. Here we had this beautiful house with extra bedrooms and no kids to fill them. Parker's condition had been the most stable it had EVER been for a long period of time ( I totally should have knocked on wood at this point in my story). My husband was bringing up the "baby talk" a lot. I was listening...scared out of my ever loving mind, but listening. The truth was, we were in a great place to have another baby and we aren't getting any younger here.

I am a deep thinker in the shower. Any others out there? It's like the most serene place to just think, pray and obviously sing. One day in early October I remember feeling lost. I was showering trying to relax and clear my head. I then started praying out of nowhere.

"God, I know you have a plan. I have no idea what that plan is and I'm trying so hard to be okay with that. All I ask of you is that if I am supposed to carry another child, bless me with good health and this baby with good health. I have a special son who needs me. If this is what is supposed to happen then I will trust your journey."

I have never in my entire life felt closer to Him. It was like I was having a one on one conversation with him and his ear was hearing just me at that moment. I felt at the most peace I'd felt in a long time.

Just a couple short weeks later I had a positive pregnancy test.

It's just crazy how things work out. One month of "trying" and boom. Pregnant. My husband says it best, "it was meant to be". My pregnancy was good. I was sick out of my mind for a majority of it, but it was good. We had one scare where our 20 week scan showed a cyst in the baby's ventricle.

We knows brains. Man do we ever know brains. This TERRIFIED ME. I lost so many hours of sleep over this. Tears were endless. I could not believe that this would happen to us, again. Was this some kind of mean test? If it was I failed because I was so angry. I mean, I had that conversation with God in the shower. My holy place. COME ON! Good news, we already had an incredibly skilled Neurosurgeon who could hopefully take care of the problem at birth. We could do this. We did it before and we could do this. At least this time we knew it was coming.

So, my OB knows I'm crazy. He knew what happened before and had so much empathy and care for me. I seriously cannot speak about him highly enough. Because of our situation he said he didn't want to take any chances with this pregnancy and he sent us to the university for a more detailed ultrasound and they found that it had dissolved. Whew. Casey then took me to Target to celebrate because, duh, Target.

Casey wanted to start painting the nursery and I wouldn't let him. I couldn't let myself get excited about this pregnancy. Even at 39 weeks I couldn't let my guard down for one moment. Something had to go wrong. It just had to. It's hard to describe, only that it was somewhat like "prepartum" depression. Well my due date came and no baby. God knows I wasn't going to induce this time. Come hell or high water I was going to deliver this baby with NO induction.

"Caitlin, if this baby isn't here by next week we will have to plan an induction," Dr. L said.

Commence tears.

So, he was basically giving me until the week of July 4th. In my mind I knew the baby wouldn't come because nothing is ever that easy, so I set myself up mentally to have the induction at 41 weeks.

On June 29, one day after my due date I went into labor at home, unknowingly I might add. At about 3AM I woke up with some pain and wasn't able to go back to sleep. I told my husband they were just Braxton Hicks and to go to work.

"Caitlin please use the contraction timer and call me if anything changes," he said.

I replied, "OK! OK! I will call you, but I am not making a fool of myself again this week."

Did I mention I went to the hospital the week before because they thought my water broke? I was basically peeing myself. OH the joy.

"Aww no baby! See you next week", the hospital volunteer shouted.

"Yep. Next week (yeah right)."

Well, exactly one week later I was in this "are these contractions or aren't they" predicament. I decided to start using my timer and thought to myself, "Ouch. These are pretty intense. I think that was a real one. Better mark it."

"Ouch."

"OOOOUUUUUCCCCHHHH!"

"Oh sweet Jesus!"

Contraction Timer Read: GO TO HOSPITAL

No joke. This was my life at like 5AM. Then all of the sudden on the baby monitor I hear Parker throwing up. In his bed. 

I run in there, "Oh God. Oh my God, OUCH. Oh my God. Parker. Ouch. Parker! Ouch."

It was nothing short of a disaster and everything I feared in one moment. My biggest fear was that Parker would get sick or need surgery when I was in labor or in the hospital with the new baby. I swear this child had to make it about him to the very last minute.

"Uh, Casey I need you to come home, like now," I cried, literally crying.

He said, "I TOLD YOU I SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE! Why are you so stubborn!"

Fifteen minutes later he comes in guns a blazin, making me all sorts of nervous. He throws our bags in the car, Parker in the car and thankfully he remembered me. We dropped a sick Parker off at his grandparents (who answered the door all sorts of confused at dawn).

"Go have a baby," Casey's' stepfather yelled.

Yes that is the plan! I wasn't nervous about what could go wrong. For the first time I wanted that baby out, like now.

"OH MY GOD Casey slow down. Please don't get a ticket. Oh man, OUCH. I'm fine we have plenty of time my contractions are only like 7 minutes apart!"

3 minutes later...

"GAHHH OH MY...."! Use your imagination.

So, we made it. Casey took turns on two wheels.

I was officially in labor and as luck would have it, my OB was on call. He was there ALL DAY. To make things even better our favorite nurses were there too. As if that wasn't enough, our Pediatrician was on call too! I mean, come one!

Being a day late was fate!

There was a time right before delivery that I freaked out. I thought it was going to be this long drawn out process, you know, like the shit show I had with Parker. I started pushing and the nurse went and got the doctor. I panicked.

"I'm scared. I'm so scared," I cried.

She said, "Look at me! LOOK AT ME! You can do this!"

So, I looked at her and I pushed. I pushed and then the doctor said, "Okay Caitlin, this next push you are going to have a baby!"

I was in shock, "WHAT!"

I mean, why was I there? For the love of God I was there to have a baby. So with the help of an amazing team and my doctor's obsession with AstroGlide (no joke) our sweet little Paisley made her debut with zero complications and without much effort honestly.

After she was born I was in some sort of strange universe. She was here.

"What's her temperature? Is she okay?" I asked.

The pediatrician's shoes were under the curtain the entire time so he made his appearance and probably saw more of me than he wanted to. Turns out you don't care. He examined her and said she was perfect, I do recall he called her a brute because she is. She was 9 pounds 2 ounces of perfection.

Was this real life? Did I just have the best birth experience ever? The answer is yes. June 29 was hands down one of the BEST days of my entire life. We were able to give Parker a little sister who will no doubt run this house in no time. She is everything opposite of her brother: loud, demanding and obviously female.

When I was alone with her for the first time I prayed with her and thanked God for this precious experience and more importantly this beautiful baby girl. As a special needs parent it's hard to know "when" and the what if's will keep you up at night. It will be alright. Keep the faith and surround yourself with supportive people. If your baby is planned or a surprise -  it's scary no matter what.

I have no idea how Parker and Paisley will get along. Right now, he's in his own little world and doesn't acknowledge her much. It is our hope that she will develop a relationship with her brother. She will teach him and guide him. Right now her cry pesters his senses and favorite TV shows. So they aren't friends just yet.

The fears from our past disrupt our hopes for the future. We find ourselves holding our breath until that baby screams, or the days or weeks pass and the baby continues to develop normally. I am STILL holding my breath for every appointment she has or every weird baby thing she does. We are real because we have to be. We've lived most parents' biggest nightmares and you know what we survived. That's who we've become and that's okay. We are survivors. I am so proud to be the woman I've become. I like her.

I mean come on, I had to face my fear head on when I went into labor. I was like 30 seconds into this whole second kid thing and my child with a serious medical condition was sick and turns out it was the beginning of something serious that would rear it's ugly head just a couple months later. Casey had to remind me while I was in labor that I needed to focus on the task at hand. I never thought it would be possible, but I did it. Guess what, Parker was fine. He was a little out of sorts, but he was fine. A couple weeks ago I had to focus on Parker and I worried endlessly about Paisley. Also, guess what, she was fine. I still have a lot of learning to do here, but I'm treading along.

I can't imagine what life would be like without our sweet Paisley. I can't let my experience with Parker affect my experience with her. I can't live as if every single day something bad will happen to her. I vowed to the Pediatrician I would not measure her head, take her temperature excessively and check WebMD (much). They are different children. She will upset us in ways Parker doesn't and probably in ways that he does, too. Who knows! It's hard, but you have to GO WITH THE FLOW and not cry over spilled milk, unless it's breast milk, then ya know go ahead and cry.

At the end of the day, if I would have let my fears run my life she wouldn't be here. My advice, keep the faith, stay informed and be an advocate for yourself. As always, it will all be okay. Just roll with it.